Crazy White Lady

"Yo Ms. Homeskillet, guess what I did to my mentor?"
"Oh dear lord, what did you do?"
"Well, she dis white girl, bout 22. We were together and she was all touching my weave, saying it pretty. So I looked her dead in her face and told her that she should NEVER touch a black girl's weave. It is the rudest thing she could do to a black chick. She was so embarrassed and scared. She started apologizin and everything. I just laughed and told her "j/k". She a crazy white lady, not a smart one like you."

Chinese Massages

"Ms. Homeskillet, you got a massage today?"
"Yes Simalia, I did. The office was nice enough to set that up for the teachers. It was great!"
"A Chinese person did it?"
"Uh, what?"
"You know, a Chinese, one of dem people dat don't look like us. They always be doin massages."
"Really. Well, Chinese people and African Americans do look a little different, but why would they give me a massage?"
"Well duh. You know dem movies. Chinese people always be givin massages. They say 'ohhh, you want happy ending.' That's how it goes.If it happens in the movies, you know it be real."

Teacher or Police Officer- Depends on the Day

Now you would think that a teacher's main responsibility is to educate the youth of America, however at good ole Hamster Wheel Prep, we also serve as various other public servants, police officer being my least favorite.  See,  we don't allow students to bring in food or drinks from home, so there always ends up being a smorgasbord of contraband hiding in the deepest, darkest cracks of their semi-personal space, which I have to explore during locker checks. Today I found:
1.) An open can of cajun boiled green peanuts (half eaten).
2.) A can of vienna sausages (completely devoured).
3.) A pickled sausage (disgusting).
4.) A multitude of various chips.
5.) Three rotten milks (vomit).

Upon beginning this check, my fifth grader exclaims,"I'm clean! I'm clean! I ain't got no drugs on me or in my locker. What's next, am I gonna have to spread 'em and put my hands on the hood of yo car?"

Crazy Hamsters....

So we all know that working in a crazy place such as Hamster Wheel for an extended period of time will cause some screws to come loose...

While passing by a colleague, Ms. Curly Neck, I hear her muttering to herself, "They're coming to get me, they're coming to get me, they're coming to get me and take me away... He,ho, hmmmm."

Remix

While dancing his way through my room with his eyes closed, 5th grader Byrant sings," All I care about is Twinkies and the city that I'm from..."

Now that's a remix I can dig.

What Causes Us To Trip While Spinning Our Wheels

6th grade answer to this question, "In what ways are you and your friends similar to Walt? In what ways are you different?"

"What set me and my friends apart is that he is very talented and masteress and a very moving bill person. Me and my friend are alike like that is because we are all the same things as that. And the main idea is what he is about and tell details about him."

What?

Why We Keep Running

Email from a former student:

"Ms. Homeskillet, my new English teacher's name is Dr. Sounder. You know what, he ain't got nothin' on you."

6th Grade Aspirations

"So gentlemen, let's really talk about things here. What are you most looking forward to being able to do as an adult that you can't do now?"

"Practice making babies."

Jurassic Park

While watching Jurassic Park in class...

John Hammond in an English accent on screen: "It's right up your alley!"

Obsession (7th Grade Girl): "Wo wo wo, did he say 'I'ma crawl up your heiney'??? Man, I can't get these England accents!"

Heroes

Well, well, well. It's that time again folks. Some call it "back to school" season, we call it "back to spinning our wheels" season. The first week is over, surprisingly the Sensation and I have made it. Before we get too far in to the week, I needed to share a student's answer to the following question:

"Think about someone you know or have heard about who you consider a hero. Then think about one of your favorite celebrities. Write a paragraph comparing and contrasting the hero with the celebrity. Explain what makes the hero a hero, and what makes the celebrity a celebrity."

Response:

"my grandpa is my hero because he stopped my grandma from dying but Jamie Fox didn't."

Welcome back to the Hamster Wheel Ms. Homeskillet!

Finally, it's over!

Well my time in purgatory (some people refer to it as summer school) is finally over. It has been a grueling, seething, scorching, sweating, frustrating, exhausting, exacerbating ride through the depths of Satan's lair, but we managed to get through without any real permanent damage. Over the summer, the Sensation and I will be bringing you all up to speed on how we found Hamster Wheel Prep, and on all the priceless people we have worked with over the years. By now it shouldn't surprise you that Hamster Wheel Prep is a revolving door for employees, so we have quite a few to share. You will be introduced to Captain McFuss Butt, Mother Africa, Lil Beezy, and a hex throwing coworker who practiced voodoo in her spare time, just to name a few.

Until next week, I will leave you with this moment from my 5th grade class:

"So class, the word of the day is rampage- as in violent destructive behavior. For example, the people in our books wen ton a rampage in the town square when they were angry. Draw a picture of what a rampage would look like. Okay, who wants to share? Yes, Markaysha, what do you have?"

"Well Ms. Homeskillet, I drew a picture of one woman stabbing another woman to death because she caught her with her man. Is that a rampage?"

Fake Boobs and White Girls

While watching a movie after school (one that unfortunately is "age appropriate" so we let them watch it, however exacerbates every stereotype known to man), a girl in the movie is accused of having fake boobs. Me, always the commentator, reminds the girls that it is HIGHLY unlikely that anyone gets breast implants during high school, and that if anyone ever considered it, they were being ridiculous. Bodies aren't finished developing, blah, blah, blah. You get the point. So after my "after school special" commentary in the middle of this heinous excuse for a movie, Tynisha comments:

"Ms. Homeskillet, I hate to tell you, but girls do get fake boobs in high school. The white girls with blond hair- they all do it."

"Well Tynisha, that is just not the case. This movie shows stereotypes of white people and stereo types of black people. This is not how people really are."

"What?! I don't know whatchu talkin bout Ms. Homskillet, cause I act just like that girl. I know I'm DELICIOUS just like her, I can dance just like her, my weave ALWAYS look good like hers--so I say this movie tellin' the truth."

"So just because you relate to the black girl on this movie, you assume all black people act like you, and all white people act like that blond girl?"

"Exactly."

Keep on runnin' in that Hamster Wheel Ms. Homeskillet!

Dear White Teacher

"Ms. Homeskillet, would you cry if your boyfriend broke up with you?"

"Well, that's a rather personal question, but I guess it is normal to cry when you care about someone and then they are no longer in your life. So yes, I would probably cry."

"Yeah, I thought so, that's what your people do."

"Shantavia, please elaborate... MY people?"

"Yeah, white people. That's what they do when they break up, they cry and eat ice cream. Black people however, we don't cry, we fight you."

Taco Meat

During summer school, we have field day activites every Friday afternoon. Apart from the general onslaught of pandemonium that we, the teachers, get to deal with, there are often a few choice quotes buried like diamonds in the rough...

Lazarius: "Man it's hot out here! I'm too black fo' this!!!"

Umamazinia: "Lazarius, you sweatin' so hard I can see yo' taco meat through yo' t-shirt!"

Naturally, this warrants further inquiry.

Mr. S: "I know I'm going to regret it, but please tell me Umamazinia...what on earth is 'taco meat'?"

Umamazinia: "Hah, You don't know taco meat, Mr. S? 'Taco meat' mean his chest hair, 'cause it that's what it look like. It be all rolled up and junk."

I had to stop myself from throwing up the contents of my stomach at that description. If there's ever been a case against adding artificial hormones to livestock, one need only examine our 6th grade kids' 'taco meat'.

Who You Finna Try

"Who YOU finna try? I bet it ain't me!"

For those of you who are like myself, upon first hearing these words uttered, you might ask yourself, "What country am I in? What language is this? And what in the world is this kid screaming about?". I was introduced to this phrase last year, when a student asked me:

"Ms. Homeskillet, who you finna try with all this homework?"
"Umm, excuse me?"
"I hope you ain't finna try Tanna with this homework."

Since then I have heard:
"I know you ain't finna try MY TEACHER. Watch yo mouf when you talk to Ms. Homeskillet."
Which has obviously become a personal favorite :)

When I questioned the girls about the origin of this little jewel of urban vernacular, they referred me to this youtube video. Please enjoy.

Crunk Coco

Tell Me What You Really Think

"Ms. Homeskillet, you got on nail polish. Why you get to wear nail polish but I cain't wear nail polish?"

"Because I'm grown and you are not."

“Don’t get it twisted Ms. Homeskillet, you ain’t grown, you old!”

Jail Food

So, here's a little background to make this conversation more clear. During our summer program, the government graciously provides each child with a free lunch that consists of processed animal parts (generic lunch meat whose origin is unidentifiable upon sight), and processed cheese product on a (wait for it....), processed white roll that is often so soggy it has the consistency of bread dough. To accompany that delicacy, they are also provided with a chocolate milk that contains as much sugar per 8 oz serving as some sodas, a "juice" bag, yes I said bag, filled with high fructose colored water, and just for kicks, they throw in a bag of carrots (good job guys). Needless to say, the kids aren't a big fan. So today,Charmayne and I had a conversation that went like this.

"Ms. Homeskillet, why I can't bring my own lunch to school?"
"Well Charmayne, it's a long story that would bore you, but basically because the law says we have to feed you."
"Feed us! Well what's the deal with that?! Ya'll ' feedin' us jail food up in here."
"Jail food? Charmayne, you are too young to have been in jail dear, how would you know what jail food tastes like?"
"Well I ain't been in jail, but my brother is, and so is my uncle!"

Well Ms. Homeskillet, nice job walking right into that one. Next time try shutting up just a few seconds prior to prompting a 10 year old to tell you all her family's business.

Summer Lovin'

Well folks, summer school is in full swing, and the Sensation and I busy shaping young minds, and apparently, in the case of the Sensation, gathering quite a fan base.

It was lunchtime on the first day of summer school, and I was talking to the new fifth grade class. The conversation with one girl went like this:

"Miss, miss, miss....What that lady name be?"

"Her name is Ms. Homeskillet, duh."

"Ms. Homeskillet, I got a question. Why is all the girl teachers sittin next to Mr. Sensation?"

"Oh I don't know honey, we like him so we all sit together."

"What!?!? You like him?! Well you better back off, cause I like him too."

(Confused)"But Earmetria, we don't like him in that way, we are just friends."

"Well, don't get it twisted. I DO like him that way, so now you know."

Golden Nuggets

Hi All,

The Sensation and I are off for a little break, so come back and check us out after June 9th. Until then, enjoy these golden nuggets of figurative language....

Directions: Please create an original simile and a metaphor.

"You smell like trash can do-do."
"We don't need no light. Your yellow teeth be our light."
"We don't need no heater cause your hot morning breath be our heat."
"I'm single as a dollar bill."

I think we're going to need to revisit this lesson.... come on Hamster Wheel!

Dear White Teacher

“Ms. Homeskillet, you should put yo hair in a pony tail and get a big rhinestone bow. You can get you one up at Phat Ladiez Hair Supply, right next to the $3.99 shoe sto”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been to Phat Ladiez before. I probably could get a bow there.”

“WHAT?!? You been there? I didn’t think white people bought weave! You got weave Ms. H?”

“I don’t have weave Ebony, but I was with a friend who needed some hair products.”

“Woh woh woh! Wait a minute- you know black people? Like real ones?!?”

Now I know what is going through some people’s minds right now. “I can’t believe she is calling herself the ‘white teacher’” “How insensitive can she be?” Well if you are in the category of people who feel that way, you need to hear me out.

The fact of the matter is that yes, we live in a country that has a history riddled with racial conflict, and I think that the majority of Americans would agree, that while we have made significant progress in bridging the racial divide in some areas, we have a lot to accomplish before we are completely out of the woods. Quite frankly, there are kids of all races, who grow up surrounded by people that look like them and act like them, and when that is the case, they have no way of gaining the much needed cultural and racial awareness that is necessary to survive in the melting pot we call America. Now I don’t consider myself an idealist by any stretch, but I do what I can in my classroom to address this cultural knowledge gap with my students by encouraging open dialogue about racial differences. As a result, I have been entertained by a series of questions and conversations that will now be documented through my “Dear White Teacher” posts.  My students may NEVER punctuate a sentence correctly, despite my ardent efforts spinning in this hamster wheel, but they will walk away with at least some knowledge of this strange group of people known simply to them as “whities.”

Biohazard

"Mr. Sensation, do anyone here own a Biohazard suit?"


"No dear, I obviously left mine at home. Why, what's up?"


"Oh, 'cause someone needs a biohazard suit to clean up the bloody 'P-A-D' on the bathroom floor."


"Thanks for spelling that out for me."

Sleepovers

During Lunch, 5th grade student

Mini Homefry: "Mr. Sensation, can you come over here? I need to ask you something."

Sensation: "Well why can't you come over here and ask me?"

MH: "It's a personal question and I don't want other teachers to hear."

S: "Good Grief."

I walk about 15 feet away from the other teachers to talk to this girl.

MH: "Mr. Sensation, did you ever have sleepovers when you was a kid?"

S: "Yeah, sometimes, but not very often."

MH: "And did you have lots of fun at them?"

S: "Yeah, we had a good time. Why are you asking me this?"

MH: "Oh. Well how about now that you're an adult? Do you still have sleepovers? I bet they'd still be a lot of fun."

All of a sudden, it becomes clear as day to me exactly where she is going with this line of questioning...

MH: "Because I seen you and Ms. Blorgenschplatts talkin' to each other. Do you ever hug her? Is you feelin' Ms. Blorgenschplatts?"

S: "I am not talking to you any more."

MH: "But Mr. Sensation! I'm just curious. Do ya'll be havin' sleepovers together?!"

S: "I'm walking away from you."

Vocabulary Building

"Ms. Homeskillet, what the heck is a bordello?"

"Well Azannia,  it is a house of prostitution."

"You mean like a ho house? Where dey be ho-in?"

"Yes, I suppose it is like a 'ho house'."

"Yeah, I know where dey be around here, there's one on 9th street, it got dat red door."

(Jamaya chimes in, obviously eager to correct Azannia's egregious error.)

"What! Wait a minute girl, get it right. Da ho house is on 34th Street and I know cause my cuz be ho in over der."

(Homeskillet) "So class, any other questions about vocabulary?"

World Geography? Who Needs It

During a discussion about racial conflicts in America prior to Civil Rights.

 "Girl you know what I heard? Back in the day, people used to axe why black people didn't just go back to Africa. I said if that's the case, all white people should just go back to Europe or wherever dey came from. Who they fittin' to try?!"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute. That don't make no sense. If black people went back to Africa, and white people went back to Europe, they'd be going to the same place. What sense would that make!? I mean you know Europe is at the top of Africa, where all that fighting has been going on recently."

"What!? Girl that's Egypt. Don't get it twisted. Ain't you pay attention in Geography?"

Gar Fish

While reviewing for a test on Ecology

Sensation: "Alright kids, so let's do this review question. Number 45: 'Predict what might happen to other species, such as gar fish or herons, if alligators were to become extinct in the Florida Everglades.' "

A'mania: "Gar fish? Oh, I seen that movie!"
Classmate: "Girl, that's GarFIELD! You seen GarFIELD."

When White Girls Break Up

"Ms. Homeskillet, would you be sad if yo boyfriend broke up with you? Would you cry?"

 "Well LaToya, whenever you care about a person and they are no longer in your life for some reason, it normally causes some sadness, so yes I would be sad, and I would probably cry."

"That's what I thought. That's what white girls do when they break up, they cry and eat ice cream. Black girls, we break the headlights on yo mama's car."

Possess This!

Most of you probably cannot commiserate with me on this, but possessive nouns are a bitch. It's not the nouns themselves that drive me to the brink of insanity, rather it is the students' absolute neglect of using possessive nouns that makes me want to jump into a blender. There is no reason that it should take a teacher hour after grueling hour to grade a simple writing assignment, however, here at Hamster Wheel Prep, the lack of simple things like periods, apostrophes, and the correct spelling of first grade sight words, makes grading each assignment a painful, arduous journey through Nonsense City.

In an attempt to correct this, I had my seventh graders create 25 original sentences containing correctly punctuated possessive nouns. Here is a sample of what I received.

1. Annasi's eyes be very slanted like Chinese people's eyes.
2. Abyssidy's walk is very stank. I really hate it.
3. LaQueesha's lips are very big some white girls pay for their lips to look like hers (all one sentence, yes).
4. Briasia's stomach be as jolly as Santa Claus's.
5. Danayshia's favorite color is PURBLE because she think it's pretty.
6. Ashaunti's shoes are very big they be clown shoes (duh, yes that's supposed to be all one sentence).
7. My toe's are very pretty and I don't care what anyone else says about them (your toes possess something?).
8. Ms. Homeskillet's wardrobe is very nice for the kinda person she is (can you say backhanded compliment?).
9. Her baby daddy's hair be nappy and so do her babies (the babies are nappy?).
10. NaKeera's feet be dusty and crusty cause she ain't go no pedicure.

I am done grading for now, so I suppose I will continue my run on this never ending hamster wheel and contemplate how I'm ever going to make progress.

Sources of Heat

While lining up for morning assembley, I noticed that one 6th grade student had a bag with her. Bags are strictly not allowed during assemblies, so I offered to hang on to it for her. When she handed me the bag, I commented that the bag was really warm.

"Really?" she replied.

Another student discreetly turned toward her and asked, with dead seriousness, "Oh. Did you fart on it? That would make it really warm."

Apparently all I have to do the next time my hands are chilly is simply fart on them.

Once You Go Black

"Ms. Homeskillet, what do people mean when they say 'Once you go black you'll never go back.' "

"Well Lacreesha, it is a funny phrase that people use to show just how cool black people are. So cool in fact, that once you become friends with black people, or date a black person, you just can't imagine what your life was like before, and you never want to go back to it- hence the 'never go back' part."

"Ohhhh! I get it! Well then why did my mama tell her friend 'Once you go white your credit get right,'?"

Skinny People and Dogs

This conversation took place during a weekly activity hosted by the local SPCA chapter. The volunteer that leads the activity brought her 13 year old, blind, deaf, obviously vicious dog to visit the students. One student in particular, JaMarcus, had a real problem with ole’ Benjy…

“Ms. Homeskillet, you gotsta keep Benjy away from me. I’m skinny. Skinny people cain’t be around dogs.”

“Really JaMarcus, why is that?”

“Don’t you know! Since skinny people don’t have much fat on they bones, the dogs can smell they bones through their skin, and they think there is just a free bone hanging around in the air, so they BITE you. And Benjy look hoooonnngry. So I’m gonna stay over here wich you.”

Sexual Reproduction and Development

I like to plan. I try to think ahead. So I really thought that I had covered my bases when I laid out the lesson plan for Chapter 26 – Reproduction and Development. I sent a note home to parents warning them about the chapter that we were about to start and asked them to have some serious, meaningful conversations with their daughters. I had the girls watch “The Miracle of Life” for 3 days with a female teacher. I asked Ms. HomeSkillet to have "girl-talk" to them in homeroom. As a young male who teaches all female students, I am always walking on eggshells.

What I didn’t realize was that when you’re walking though a minefield, disarming 5 or 6 mines just isn’t going to cut it.

We started out by doing an activity. I handed each student a notecard and told them that they had 5 minutes to get 3 other people to sign their card. Before the activity, I had taken one girl aside and asked her to refuse to participate – I had decided to have her represent an abstinent person. I had also written a red dot on the back of one of the notecards – this would represent a person that started with an STD.

The girls eagerly rose from their seats…”Sign mines [sic]! Sign mines!”
“Wait, why isn’t you doing the activity?”, they asked my accomplice.
“I just don’t feel like it, okay?”

By the third signature, everyone in the class had “caught” the STD. When I revealed that ally had been modeling an “abstinent” person by simply choosing not to participate, the girls started giggling… “Not a good choice for the ‘abstinent’ girl,”, one classmate snickered.

Detention city. I knew that things would only get worse from there.

Over the course of the chapter I was asked a multitude of hilarious questions, but here is a sampler:

“So do cows be comin’ outta of their mom’s butts? How ‘bout horses?”

“How do snakes have sex? They don’t have hands to grab on to nothin’.”

Q: “What happens if sperm lands on a girl’s mouth?”
A: “Ask Ms. HomeSkillet.”

(written on a note that was handed to me)
“What makes our Butox [sic] different than males? Is it just genes?”

“Can you break your vagina when you have a baby?”

“Can twins have two different fathers? Like if a sperm fertilize an egg, and a different sperm fertilize another egg in the same mom, could they have different dad’s? Cause that’s what happened on Maury.”

Rotten Meat and Poverty

As the clock strikes 7:30 a.m., the bell rings indicating it is time for morning assembly. I gather my students and get them ready to go, when one student looks at another student with a disgusted look on her face and exclaims:

"Ewww! Girl it stank out here. It smells like rotten meat and poverty!"

Sperm on the Mouth

Student asks a question regarding sperm. The conversation went like this:
"Ms.______, what happens when sperm gets on a girl's mouth?"
"Well, the girl gets zits, HUGE zits, that are so big they need to be surgically removed."
"Wait a minute....WHAT! Zits AND surgery! Oh no, we cain't be havin that. They got the wrong one. Ain't gonna be no sperm on this mouth."
"Good decision, at least for now..."

Exert Some Force

On learning about forces:

“I exert a force on my thighs when I do the ‘Clap them Thighs’. Check the youtube video, Mr. Sensation.”

Oh. I found the youtube video, alright.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3tQWK9k4rA

-An astute 5th Grade Student